Oh ye of little faith. :(

I do believe on my evening run I had an epiphany. Sometimes these little glimpses of intelligence and grand conveyance of knowledge are good. Sometimes, like now, they serve as a sobering, cold, smack in the face. I have a confession to make.

I am a doubting Thomas. How many times has someone said to me, "God will provide." or "Just have faith.". I hear them but I don't hear them. I have at times been, ashamedly so, been putting the brakes this adoption. I have haltingly taken each step as of late. I am afraid. Scared to the point of paralysis that we will get in over our heads and the funds won't come. As I was running the words to a Casting Crowns song, "Somewhere in the Middle" starting playing in my head. I ran even faster to get home so I could listen to it. For some puzzling reason that one isn't on my ghetto MP3 player. (I don't have an Ipod, and pathetically I stole the MP3 player from my son when he won it in 1st grade in a reading contest. Really, what 7 year old actually needs that?) I have come to the conclusion that if Casting Crowns or Taylor Swift haven't recorded a song about a situation that I'm in then it's not that big of a deal. Weird I know but this is my internal dialogue. Welcome to my world.

This is my epiphany and how the song fits into it. 

I did not wake up one day and say, "Hey, honey why don't we scrap our efforts to get pregnant, adopt. Not just from anywhere but let's make it super hard and go international. Let's adopt an orphan from Ethiopia and put our lives on hold, go in debt $30,000 and donate every waking minute to trying to raise money and jump through hoops of 2 governments. Whaddya say?'

Not once did I have any of those crazy thoughts. Nor did my husband. We never planned on adopting, certainly not from Ethiopia. I did not watch The Lion King and reap a burning passion for Africa. God placed all of these events in motion. Down to the smallest detail. Why is it that I can place my faith and trust in Him for my life, my salvation, and my eternity but not to provide for this adoption when it is clearly His will. Today I am asking for forgiveness for my doubt and unfaithfulness. It is absurd and stifling and I am over it.

 Mark11:22-23 And Jesus answered them saying, Have faith in God for verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

Jesus said that. Not just some ordinary guy, THE GUY said it. I'm tired of being caught in the middle. I'm ready to trust with reckless abandon and go forward with an unparalleled faith. I'm ready to move mountains. It's OK, He told me I could. :)